Raising Jackson: School Days and Consequences

It's that time of year again.  Sharpened pencils, pristine notebooks, folders and books with not so much as a crease.  Growing up, I loved this time of year.  Still do.  But with Jack, I know the change isn't easy.  Summers are much more calm around our house.  There are less demands on his time, fewer rules, not as much responsibility.  So, when school starts, and suddenly he's got to get to bed on time, wake up on time, get homework done...well, it's not an easy transition.


Here's a question for ya:  How long does it take to get the first call from a teacher?
Answer: ummm... about 6 hours

Yep, I got a call on the very first day.  This is not to say that Jack is a bad kid.  Quite to the contrary.  He's incredibly dynamic: kind, funny, outgoing, laid back, loves to laugh, stands up for those who can't (or don't) stand up for themselves.  He just doesn't like to be told what to do.  But, hey, that's life, right?  Best get used to it, kid.  I know, I know... but it's not as simple as it sounds.  According to his teacher, Jack was "wound up" in her class that first afternoon.  Unfocused, and distracted the entire class.  For the entire hour.  Hmmm....

When Jack got home after school, I asked him how his day went.  "Fine," (oh, I can just see all you parents nodding your heads right now - you get the same answer, right?).  Jack said "fine" the day a kid pushed him on the bus.  He said "fine" the day he stepped in and protected a classmate from a group of girls who had surrounded her and were teasing and pushing her.
But, as parents, we need to ask deeper questions.  Or ask them in a different way.  I happened to ask Jack that day what he had for lunch.  "Nothing, I wasn't hungry," he shrugged at me.  Hmmm... You ate nothing? I asked.  "Well, I had a Gatorade."  Ah.  Gatorade.  So, he'd had about 14 grams of sugar on an empty stomach. No wonder he was hyper in his afternoon class.

Ask your kids: How have you taken care of yourself today?  If we can teach them to take a look back at their day, evaluate it a little, maybe they will begin to see how their actions affect them in other areas.

But I digress.  It was a rough first couple week.  Jack was quick to anger.  Couldn't find half his uniform for his first outdoor soccer game of the season.  Was so angry that he took a hockey stick to the white, six panel door of his bedroom.  Oh yes, he did.  So... I did what any good parent would do... I removed the door.  I also had his cell phone turned off.  The next day, he punched a hole in the wall of my office.  My first thought was:  I hope he's not getting sick (he used to get like this right before he came down with a flu).  The thought entered and exited my mind within seconds.  The next morning, he started throwing up.  See?  There is usually a cause for their actions.  Doesn't make them right, but it helps to know there is a reason.

Jack will get his phone back when he's purchased the materials and fixed the hole in the wall.  He's planning on doing that after school today.  This punishment is two fold:
1. It fits the crime.
And B. He'll learn how to fix drywall - a good skill for anyone to learn, I think.

Your turn: Please share, won't you? How have you learned to read into your kids' behaviors? And what lessons do you use to teach them?

Everyone's a writer

Stop with me for a moment and look at the all the channels (beyond in-person, of course) we have at our disposal in which to communicate with one another: facebook, twitter, linkedin, foursquare, email, youtube, a phone call, a text, face time, skype, even letters written and sent via snail mail (a lost art, for sure).

With the advent of social media and especially blogs, everyone's a writer.  Everyone has a voice.  I guess that's a good thing.  But you wouldn't become a doctor just because someone gave you an office in which to practice, would you?  You'd need the right experience, the right training, the correct tools.  And even if you do have the latest, greatest tools, you'd have to know the correct way in which to use them, right?  Right.

Companies need writers.  Brands need writers.  Newspapers, magazines, ad agencies... they all need writers.  Which is why authors have editors.  To correct grammar, check spelling and ensure they  "write tight."  Not everyone is a writer, for sure.  But, if you're going to rely on the written form of communication, keep in mind two things:

1. People think/read/see/hear differently.
Case in point: a professor wrote the following sentence on the board:
"Woman without her man is nothing" and asked his class to punctuate it.
Half the class wrote this:
Woman: without her, man is nothing.

The other half wrote:
Woman, without her man, is nothing.

See?

And #2. Grammatical faux pas can create major misunderstandings...

Hmmm....

But I digress. Communication is vital.  To relationships. To business. To life. Not everyone is blessed with this ability.  Some excel at verbal communication, some at written, and still others speak volumes with their body language.  But I do believe that most (not all, most) problems are the result of poor communication.  Maybe it's Mars vs. Venus.  Maybe it's just lost in translation.  But if we can realize that, and learn to work with it, instead of fighting it, maybe there'd be a lot fewer fights in the first place.  More understanding.  And that's cool, no?

Happy Writing!

The Hell With It, Let's Go!

I just came across a venn diagram that I love:

And it made me think.  Well, really, I'm always thinking.  Too much, as it were.  Constantly asking myself questions like:


What if... (it doesn't work out, someone gets hurt, something goes wrong, someone says no, no one agrees with me/likes it /understands ...)?
How will this affect my... (kids, relationships, career, family, life, future...) ?
What will my... (family/friends/kids...) think?

I have an alter ego in my head, and she is continually screaming at/to me.

She is alternately my voice of reason and my reason for drinking.

I simply must shut her up.


But I digress.  That venn diagram represents the two parts of me that, more often than not, are at war.

My Heart vs. My Mind

Why, oh why, are they never in sync? And why do I have such trouble saying, "Let's Go!"?
(author's note: this is not about right vs. wrong - big difference!)


If my twenties were all about trying to grow up (accomplished, thank you), and my thirties were all about trying to figure out who I am (again, good to go), then my forties, God willing, will be about becoming comfortable with all I've learned in the past, and just... LIVING.

A week or so ago, my very wise writer friend, Lynn, wrote these words to me:

Does it really matter if you get hurt? or disappointed? or angry? or whatever? Isn't that what life is - that we learn from those things and just make the best of it?

Then I ran into my good friend, Mary Lou, this past weekend and was lamenting another birthday, especially one that starts with a "4," when she said to me...

"Well, Beth, it's better than the alternative."

Wiser words, I tell ya.

So, on this, the eve of my fortieth birthday, I've decided to go ahead and let that loud-mouth, opinionated, do-gooder in my head rule for One. More. Day.  And that's it.   I'm done with her.  This decade I'm going to say, "Let's Go!"

Can We 'Have It All'?

Why Women Still Can't Have It All is an article in the July/August issue of The Atlantic.  The article is written by Anne-Marie Slaughter, a women who by all appearances does have it all.  But it got me thinking.  Can we?

I was raised by a woman born in the mid 1940s.  A woman who came of age during the 60s, hearing Gloria Steinam tell her that yes, she could have it all.  I am woman! She cried.  And so did my mom.  Her career choice?  Teaching.  A noble profession.  But, it is interesting to me, because it is one that, especially at that time, was "a woman's job."  I imagine many of her classmates didn't go to college, but instead went from their father's home to their husband's. Mom married right out of college and had two kids in five years.  I, her only daughter, grew up in the 70s and 80s.  And watched her wear that green pin with the white bubble letters: E.R.A. every day. To work, to the grocery store, hell even out to dinner.  If it wasn't on her chest, it was pinned to her purse.  Equal Rights.  It was only fair, wasn't it?

Recently I've read many articles in both the Wall Street Journal and the NY Times about the numbers of women getting their masters and doctorate degrees.  How more women than men are graduating, getting promoted, etc.  So this article came as a surprise.  But I agree with Ms. Slaughter's assessment.  that only certain women among us can truly "have it all."  Those who have everything in place: a nanny or fantastic, reliable sitter, a wonderful spouse who carries 1/2 the load - and sometimes more.

After my oldest son was born, I tried to continue working.  But as I rushed in a few minutes late each morning, with spit-up stains on my blouse and ran out the door as soon as the clock struck 5 so that I could make it home to my baby, I was overlooked.  When I returned from maternity leave, my male counterpart, who'd started in his position the same day I started in mine, was promoted.  I was left behind.  So I gave up the day job and stayed home with my son. I did go back to school and by the time I earned my B.A. in Writing, I was pregnant with my third child.  A girl.  And I began to wonder...will it be any different for her?  I was working part-time as a freelance writer and spending most of my time with my kids.  I wouldn't trade that time for the world.  But now here I am, single, raising three kids mostly on my own, and I've got to work full time.  Something has to give. Sometimes we eat dinner on the run.  Many times I have to ask for help to get the kids to and from their respective practices, games, and activities.  And without my family, specifically my parents, I most certainly would not be able to make it.  Especially during the summer.

But I digress.  Let's define what "having it all" really means.  In my mind, it means really being present for my kids - being the best mom I can be, knowing all their crazy schedules, getting them there (maybe even on time!), knowing their friends, helping them with homework, making dinner, disciplining, raising, loving... AND at the same time, having a fulfilling career... a job I love, that rewards me, fulfills me, challenges me - one where I am making a difference, one where I am successful. Necessary.

Is it possible?  I think so, yes.  Without stress? Uh, no.  For most of us reaching the pinnacle of our career and being a great mom is mutually exclusive.   One of my neighbors is a grade school teacher. We spent a few minutes at the local pool together a few weeks ago and she shared her feelings with me on "having it all" even before I'd read the article.  "I've got the best of both worlds," she smiled, "great job I love during the school year.  And in the summer?  I get to be a stay-at-home mom...it's perfect!"

But what about the writers, photographers, financial advisors, government officials, human resources or advertising professionals, scientists or doctors?  Can we all really "have it all"?  I think it depends on our individual definitions of the term.  And the fact that, at least for me, that definition changes as we grow.  If I were asking my 20-year old self, she'd say, Hell Yes!  I've got it all!  But, here I am, weeks away from turning 40, and I realize that my idea of this has grown as I've matured.

Don't get me wrong - I could not be happier with my beautiful kids, my wonderful family and dear friends.  And if I were only speaking of this part of my life, well, I'd have to say, yes, I've pretty much got it all.  No complaints here.

But, I'm talking about career, too.  Because I continue to dream.

The biggest problem, for many working moms, is that our work hours far exceed school hours.  We're on a totally different timetable.  This is 2012, folks!  What worked in 1950 doesn't work anymore.

To wit: My company's work hours are 8:30 to 5:30.  But by 8:30, two of my three kids have already been in school for an hour and a half.  I could have gotten a lot done in those 90 minutes!  Instead, I'm commuting to the office and just beginning my day.  And all three of my kids are finished with their day and home by 3:30.  At 3:30, I still have two more hours of work, and then an hour's drive home (I have to note here that I have reached a point in my career where I am able to work from home 2 days/week, and have shortened my hours just enough to get home at a decent hour).

So let's do something about that.  We change our work hours to coincide with our clients' schedules, right?  At least in my field we do.  We have more clients on the east coast, so we start and end 30 minutes later.  Why not start and end an hour sooner?  If I could work 7:30 - 4:30, I'd be home at a decent hour.  I would be there for my kids.  I would be in the office when they are at school.  It makes perfect sense.

But I digress.  What do you think? Can women "have it all"? How do you define this? And if you are managing to juggle all those balls, what's worked for you?

Raising Jackson: 2 much txting mks u 1 bad splr

I'm gonna tell you something now that you're going to have a hard time believing.  But I promise...what  I'm going to tell you is the God's honest truth.

My son's grammar improved from texting.  So did his spelling.  Shut UP!  You say.  BS! You Cry.  No, YOU shut up!  Just kidding.  But, it's true.  Here's how.

I'm a word nerd.  And although I'm loathe to admit it, I've been called a grammer nazi more than once.  Which surprises me just a bit, because, really, it's my friend and fellow WWWP, Tammy, who is the REAL grammer nazi...actually not a nazi, she's quite kind, but she can dissect a sentence like nobody's business.

But I digress.

I fell in love with texting from my first text back in 2007.  It stands to reason... all forms of written communication interest me. Anyway, a few years later, my boys had phones of their own, and texting became their favorite form of communication, too.  I'd heard the rumors though, and as a grammar natzi, I was determined not to let my kids' english skills go to hell with the help of a device the size of an ampersand.  I die a little inside when I see texts like this:

how r u

wat u doin?

Ugh. Seriously?  And I don't want to hear that crap about character count.  Buy a vowel, for God's sake (see what I mean by Grammar nazi?).

I think I've digressed again.  Reading and Writing were Jack's least favorite subjects in school.  He is a very bright kid, but he couldn't spell to save his life.  When he got his phone and started texting me, I was appalled.  I mean, I knew my little angel wasn't a solid speller, but this was ridiculous.  I started correcting his texts in my replies.  Our text conversations looked like this:

Jack:  "Hey Mom! Can I go 2 Bens huose? Pleeze?"

Me:  "Ben's house?  Please?  And yes, if you send the text again with all the words spelled out correctly."

There were actually times when I refused to respond until he resent the message using "The Queen's English."  Believe me, when they need an answer quick, they're willing to work a little harder.

Jack: "if ur home, can u get my stuf and bring it over 2 dads"

Me: "I'm home.  If you're home, you could get your stuff. But, I'll get it and bring it to your dad's."

I honestly wasn't thinking about some great lesson taught through text message.  At the time, I was just frustrated with the spelling errors, and my grammar nazi alter ego shuddered at the shortcuts.

Slowly, over the course of a year, I noticed changes in his text messages.  He began spelling out words, and spelling them correctly.  He began using the correct form of a word.  No more did he confuse their, they're and there (my biggest pet peeve, thank you very much) or your and you're.  His writing at school improved markedly this year, too.  I'm sure it had more to do with his teachers than my text message "lessons" but I'm very proud of how far he's come.

There is one message, though, that I've never corrected.  Anytime I get any form of "I love you" like:
luv u
luv u 2
luv u
ly


I've always just been happy to get the message, and didn't want him to think I was more concerned with the way it was delivered than the fact that it was delivered at all.

But, recently, jack has been spelling that out, too.  When he started, it looked like this: "I love you to"
my response:  "I love you, too!" It was enough.  And now I get "I love you, too."  Even the comma!  But, I'd take it any way he wanted to tell me.

Contrary to popular belief, texting can help, rather than hinder, spelling and grammar. Try it at home.  Really!  Texting doesn't have to suck every last grammar lesson from our kids' heads.  It can actually be another vehicle for learning... if we just go about it the right way.

(Author's note: I am fully aware that Jack still uses his own text language with his friends.  That's okay. At least I know that he can use proper grammar and spelling when it's necessary!)